i'll tell ya what i want, what i really really want

First let me apologize for putting that song in your head for the rest of the day. I feel your pain... even though I caused it.

Let me ask you a question, fellow lady-homos, do you believe that your partner is there to give you what you want? Everything you want? Some of the things you want?

Here's an example from my own life. I love to be tickled. Lightly tickled, all over, any part of my body, for hours on end. I like a lot of things, but I like this most of all, more than anything else in the whole world. ANYTHING. And I have always, from my very first relationship, believed that being petted and stroked in this way would be one of the many services performed by a girlfriend.

I have almost always been wrong.

Before I even HAD a girlfriend, my first FANTASIES about girlfriends involved being tended in this way. In high school I had really long hair and I used to sit in front of this girl named Betsy in one of my classes. Every single day, my hair would lay across the front of her desk and she would play with it. She'd start out slow, just barely grazing the ends with her fingers, but I'd feel it like little electrical bolts down my spine. Then she'd start to rake her fingers through it, moving higher and higher until she was practically massaging my scalp.

It felt obscene.

I sat on the front row, right in front of the teacher, and there I was, having the most sensual experience of my life. Every day. Five days a week. On display for an entire class.

And she spoiled me!!! She spoiled me to that kind of decadent, luxurious touching! I would sit there in class with her fingers in my hair, and imagine myself in college, in a dorm with a hot roommate, who might start playing with my hair one night as we watched TV together... it would start out so innocent, but then I would turn around, take her by the shoulders and stare deeply into her eyes... then...

Yeah, well...

My fantasies never quite became realities. I have had wonderful girlfriends who have consented to tickling me on a semi-regular basis. My crazy drunk ex, CB, for example -- she spent the first two months of our relationship tickling me for hours as we lay in bed talking and trying to fall asleep. But pretty soon the novelty wore off and I practically had to bribe her to do it.

Mera does a decent job, but it's not her forte. If I hint that I want more, she gets hurt and says "Are you saying I don't touch you enough!?! I touch you so much!" Now I rely on our occasional bets to guarantee myself a solid 30-minute back-tickle. We bet on all sorts of minor disagreements and the stakes are always 30-minutes of some kind of physical attention. I get back-tickles and she gets foot rubs.

She LOVES foot rubs, so then I ask myself if I give her enough of those. Maybe she feels deprived? Maybe she's got a hidden need and I'm oblivious to it? When I start feeling all hopeless and deprived of back-tickles, I try to remember her foot rubs and ask myself if I'm giving as much as I'm expecting. That helps a little.

But back to the main question: is it her job to tickle my back as much as I want? Is it my job to rub her feet? Is it pathetic and self-indulgent to wallow in self-pity when I think I'll never be tickled enough? There probably aren't enough tickles in the world to satisfy me anyway...

So here's a poll. Knock yourselves out.

lazy

I'm feeling lazy, yet I want to post. And you guys seem to love the polls, so... here you go. Enjoy. And please suggest alternatives, I don't feel like I was particularly creative...

the best possible scenerio

It has always been my opinion that, in a perfect world, everyone would fuck exactly like me. They wouldn't necessarily mirror my every movement, but they'd at least follow my basic protocols for pleasing another woman. I don't like to brag, but I have received VERY positive feedback about my sexual performance from almost all my partners, including and especially Mera. I have been told, and I believe, that I'm pretty good at fucking women. And even though I know I don't sound the least bit humble, I don't think I do anything particularly spectacular. Everything I do seems like common sense.

First of all -- and this is absolutely foundational -- I LOVE WOMEN. I love women's bodies, I love touching women, I love every tiny bit of skin, I love every sound and smell and flavor. Furthermore, I feel empathic when I'm touching women. It's like I can feel it in my own body too, like I'm melding just a little with the woman I'm touching, and her pleasure is my pleasure too. This empathy helps me read her signals and follow the flow and rhythm of what feels good. It helps me carry us both down that path towards the big O.

But aside from all that emotional, spiritual, psychological bonding, there are just some basic physical things that seem obvious, little tricks that seem utterly self-explanatory... and yet lots of people don't do them. There's a kind of sliding that feels so good, a finger sliding down to pick up that natural lubrication and then sliding back up across the labia and around the clit. The labia seem so neglected by many of the women who've fucked me over the years -- and the labia have so much sensation to offer!

And speaking of the labia, what ever happened to teasing? To the slow build-up of sensation? I like to spend a nice chunk of time getting closer and closer, but not quite touching. My hands reach far down the legs and come up the inner thighs, barely grazing the pubic hair, closer and closer every time, building the tension and expectation to a fevered pitch. In my mind I imagine my partner's cunt swelling and engorging, which it literally is. By the time my fingers slide towards her snatch and back up to her clit, she's all fat and throbbing with desire.

Once she's in that state, she's putty in your hands! You start slow then build, listen to her breathing, feel her hips rise to meet you, follow her rhythms, speed up, speed up, be careful not to hit that clit too hard and overbalance the load, then pretty soon she's coming and coming and -- if you're lucky -- you get to start over again in a few minutes. Maybe slip in a few fingers this time, work your mouth over her clit while you fill her hole up with your digits, maybe slide one in the back door. Whatever you do, it ought to BUILD. And it's just like a house of cards -- if you're careful, if you set up the right foundation, you can build it really, really high.

I've never understood the women who don't tease, who don't build, who don't start slow and get fast, soft and then hard. I've never understood the women who just start poking around, who don't take a minute to survey the lay of the land, to explore with curiosity rather than blind urgency. I've never understood why what I want isn't obvious. It feels so obvious to me.

I know I'm being a little crazy. I can't help it. I'm indulging in sexual narcissism. Of course I'm glad all women don't fuck like me. If Mera fucked like me I'd never get pounded like I do now. But if Mera could just learn to fuck like me in *addition* to fucking like she does already... then we'd be in business.

not coming

First of all I'd like to say that I really hate the "cum" spelling of the word that means "to climax." It feels sleazy and weird to me for some reason and I try not to use it. However, sometimes I wonder if people *expect* this use of the word "come" to be spelled "cum." I'd love to know the etymology...

But I digress. Koen asked a very good question in a comment to my last post: why doesn't Mera make me come? I've probably touched on the issue before, but I probably haven't devoted much time and attention to it. Mera doesn't make me come because it's kinda hard to make me come. Simple.

First of all I should make clear that it's very easy for ME to make me come. I've been coming from masturbation since before I can even remember. Literally. And that may have been my downfall... all my jacking off may have programmed me to come only from very specific stimulation. I can rub my clit to orgasm easy as pie, but when someone ELSE starts poking around down there... well...

There have been plenty of lovely ladies out there who have mastered the fine art of making me come, but I have to say that the experience is often less thrilling than you might think. On reflection I have come to realize that when women learn how to make me come, the sex tends to evolve into something less like "sex" and more like my partner masturbating me. Does that make sense? Her hand or my hand, I'm still laying there being digitally manipulated to orgasm. It feels good, but it isn't always so passionate... meanwhile, my partner is nothing but focus and concentration, trying to follow all my subtle signals and walk that fine-line between getting me off and turning me off. It's no picnic.

With Mera, I trade the highly tailored digital manipulation for full-on, full-body, hot, passionate, penetrative, rough, sweaty, awesome sex. I feel like my long, slow dalliance with penetration has finally begun to blossom and from the first time Mera fucked me with a cock, my whole definition of sex has changed. Now I equate sex with the cock, all my fantasies involve Mera and the cock, I LIVE for the nights when Mera decides to sleep in the cock.

However, the cock doesn't make me come. I guess that's one of those weird dilemmas of life. I can certainly come when Mera's fucking me with the cock, but only if I touch my clit exactly like I'd do if I was jerking off alone. And I can't *always* come when she's fucking me, sometimes the rhythm of the whole encounter just isn't right, sometimes the pleasure is too much, kinda like when a sneeze builds so fast and strong that it blows past the threshold of actually becoming a sneeze and ends up lodged in your head like a stuck firecracker.

I guess the important thing is that I don't miss the orgasms. I have plenty when Mera's not around and I have quite a few when she is. I just feel bad for Mera who is starting to get a complex. She said last night "I just don't understand! We've been together six months! You should be ejaculating by now!" I guess that's the kind of track record she's had... and I hate to ruin her self-image, but I can't lie. And I can't exactly fake female ejaculation either...

Ultimately, she'll have to manage her own identity crisis. As for me, I'm excited about the possibilities. In my opinion, Mera and I have only just begun to explore our sexual landscape together -- there's so much left for us to do! There's so much unexplored territory! Who knows what will make me come in two years, maybe my body will learn to come from penetration, anal stimulation, a good hard stare.... Or maybe I'll still be the same old masturbator, but I'll still be having plenty of fun. Who knows. Maybe we'll start seeing a sex therapist! That could be interesting.

No matter what happens, I am crazy in love with Mera and happy to be on this journey with her and only her. Regardless of my previous infidelities and forays into polyamory, Mera has nothing to worry about. To steal from Walt Whitman, she contains multitudes. I don't have to look anywhere else to find everything. I've got it all right here. (Except the orgasms... but whatever)

only so much you can say...

I never thought I'd be at a loss for something new to say about sex... As much as I like to think about, read about, and actually, occasionally HAVE sex... I don't have anything to say about it anymore. Why???

I blame the weather, number one. The weather is shitty. There was the hope of summer weather a few weeks ago, but it was quickly replaced by grey skies and clouds, the kind of weather you might expect in November, but you kinda hope will be over by June. This return to chilly grey has prematurely squelched my spring rut. Dammit all. As soon as it gets hot again, I expect my sap will start to flow again at least a tiny bit...

Then there's Mera's sexual dysfunction. I guess that's something to write about... She went from strong and confident in the beginning, to anxious and hesitant. Last night she fucked me with the cock... and she was actually slow and gentle. GENTLE!?!? No matter how much I said "harder, harder" and "don't hold back," she still kept it nice and easy. I asked her later why she'd been so easy and she said she did it for me. Wow. Don't be gentle for me. Please.

She's definitely in the midst of a major sexual identity crisis and I have no idea how to help her. The crisis exists on two fronts. One: the gender front. She's used to being the total top, the stone-cold-don't-touch-me-don't-remind-me-I'm-a-girl top. And then I came along and started fucking her right from the beginning... and she LIKES IT. And she finds that to be very confusing.

And then there's the performance front. She's used to believing she's the best lay on the planet. She's used to being treated like god's gift to hot sex. And I'm not saying that she's NOT the best lay on the planet, but she's aware that she doesn't make me come, and she's aware that there are things I like that she doesn't necessarily do... and that baffles her. And it makes her feel inadequate. I don't really know how to reassure her. Sex with her IS totally hot, but as much as I say it, it never sinks in.

Of course there's the "too busy" front -- ie: she's just too goddamn busy. She's in grad school, she works two jobs, she worries about all sorts of things and has insomnia, etc, etc, etc. She's super stressed out and I guess sex has kinda fallen off the planet in her mind. She keeps saying "I can't wait for my schedule to change, then we can actually fuck more." But I don't know if that will make a difference.

Don't get me wrong, things are great with Mera. I love her so much and I have never felt so compatible, so sure, so well-matched and happy. And that's all the more reason for me to write about the troubles, because people should know it's ok to have troubles, to talk about them and work on them. That's life. I know this isn't the first time I've written about these troubles, and it probably won't be the last. I just hope you guys aren't bored.

And what about you guys? How are things in YOUR relationships? Things going along ok? Hitting any snags? Those of you in Portland... how's the weather impacting you, if at all? Talk to me.

here's a poll, are you happy now?

Wow. Nothing but crickets and tumbleweeds after that last post. Deafening silence. I was shocked. And dismayed. Was it something I said? Were my fantasies too taboo? Or not taboo enough?? Maybe you guys are inexplicably no longer interested in my musings on sex? That would be pretty sad.

Or maybe you just need to be weaned back into sharing with a handy, helpful poll? These things make sharing as easy as clicking a button! How easy is that?? So why don't you give it a try? And feel free to share the old fashioned way too... in a comment... if you want. :-)