Contrary to the impression this blog might give, in most of my past sexual relationships I have been pretty sexually dormant. I have always tended to start each new relationship with a surge of sexual energy that usually lasts the first few months and then peters out and often disappears altogether.
My vanishing libido has been a major source of conflict and heartbreak over the years. In fact, my crazy-drunk-ex used to tell me that she drank so much because I never wanted to have sex with her and she needed the alcohol to numb her against the pain of rejection. Wow.
At the time, I completely discounted this statement and chalked it up to her inability to take responsibility for her drinking problem. Until that time I had never been the one in any of my relationships who wanted more sex than she was getting. I had never lain in bed next to a hot girlfriend and felt the frustration of unmet sexual desire. Sure, I've had plenty of sexual frustration, but not that kind. Once the initial sexual magic wears off, I'm usually content to cuddle and am generally not the sexual initiator whenever sex does finally spring back into the relationship.
Well. Things have changed. As I've mentioned before, Mera has worked a one-woman sexual-revolution on my body. From the word go, things in the sack with Mera have been completely different than they've ever been with anyone else. All bets are off with Mera, I have no idea what I even *like* anymore. I like things I never liked before and I forget about things I thought I used to love. It's unreal.
Sadly, one of the many new things I'm getting to experience in this relationship is sexual frustration. Even though Mera is a voracious top, she's also a full-time grad student, working full-time at two jobs and taking care of a special-needs dog. She's busy, she's tired, she doesn't always have the energy for those two-hour poundings. And in addition to physical exhaustion there's also the complication of our power dynamic and her extremely sensitive top ego. Sometimes a simple-seeming conversation will end up alienating her and making her feel inadequate.
This is at least fifty-percent my responsibility. I can be a little too blunt sometimes and if I put myself in her shoes, I cringe thinking about some of the things I've said to her. And it's not just what I say, but how I say it. In my life I have been called "abrasive," "ascerbic" and (the less evil) brutally honest. I'm usually proud to be all these sketchy things, but these things don't help me in the delicate sexual milieu. "Abrasive" is no way to be when you're trying to gently steer your sensitve lover in a different direction during sex. Try as I might, I sometimes can't keep my attitude in check when it matters most. Mera ends up feeling alientated and distant and my chances of getting lucky any time soon disintegrate.
The other fifty-percent is on Mera, who believes she has a lot riding on her ability to fuck like a pro. In her darkest places, she thinks that's the only special thing she has to offer in a relationship, not necessarily because she's a sexual narcissist with low self-esteem, but because past lovers have given her nothing but positive reviews. How many women do you know who routinely cause their female lovers to ejaculate? I'm telling you, Mera is known for her skills and her reputation preceeds her -- she's in demand to a sickening degree. Three months into our relationship and the late-night booty texts have finally stopped, but there are definitely a lot of very disappointed people out there who wish Mera wasn't off the market.
But I digress... The point is: all those rave reviews from past lovers gave Mera the false impression that being a great lover is all she has to offer. She's already pretty sensitive and she struggles with abandonment and trust issues, so that makes it especially hard for her to hear anything that even remotely resembles criticism of her sexual prowess. I try and try to tell her that I *love* our sexual relationship and don't want her to change anything, even though I would like her to add a few elements, but all she hears at first is a complaint. That makes things difficult for both of us and it often takes her several days to recover her top-confidence and take back the reins again.
This alienation has left me on several occasions laying half-naked next to a snoring Mera, every nerve in my body alive and charged and waiting for the slightest stimulation. I had no idea how awful sexual frustration could feel! Now I have so much more compassion for my crazy-drunk-ex! I'm not excusing her drinking or accepting that my rejection drove her to drink, but I can now appreciate the agony of that kind of frustration. Looking back over all my previous relationships, I can finally see how I tortured so many lovers by losing my interest in sex. I feel like I should go back and apologize to all of them, and thank them for their patience.
What about you? Do you tend to want less sex than your partner, or are you the one lying there frustrated while your partner snores away. How have you managed it? And how have you talked about sexual issues that arise? I'll write more about sexual communication in the future, that's a big topic. For now, what about the balance of desire in a relationship? And thanks in advance for sharing, you guys rock.