Tuesday, April 29, 2008

that question which is begged...

Koen asked a very good question in a comment to my post "uh-oh" -- just what exactly did I say to Mera to push her so very far away?

It wasn't much really. And this time it wasn't even that bad. It happened one night while we were making out at her house. She'd just given it to me nice and hard with the cock the night before at my house and I was looking forward to getting it again. At some point in the midst of the make-out (which had by then escalated to hand-fucking), I asked if she'd brought the cock from my house. When she said "no," I was disappointed.

According to Mera, I was more than just disappointed. She says I was practically devastated. I don't know if I completely agree. She perceived me to have completely lost interest in the fucking that was already occurring and to be singularly fixated on getting fucked with the cock.

Many questions then ensued. Mera tends toward paranoia, and sometimes jumps straight to the worst possible scenerio. The worst possible scenerio in this case was that I was only interested in the cock and not at all interested in Mera fucking me with her hand. Mera asked me many, many questions along these lines and eventually I shared that while I did enjoy being fucked by her hand, I preferred the cock because the cock was more reliable and I was able to relax more. The hand is kind of pokey -- any hand, all hands are pokey -- sometimes fingers come out a little and go back in at a weird angle, sometimes fingernails make themselves known. Cocks are long and smooth and very predictable. Given that I've never been 100% keen on penetration and given that I'm actually kinda sensitive "down there" it all makes perfect sense to me.

Well, to Mera it sounded pretty bad. As I've mentioned before, Mera's got a reputation for being really good in the sack. In fact, it's a major part of her identity (for better or worse) and any feedback about her performance that sounds in the least critical is very hard for her to digest. Like I said, she's sensitive. She felt she'd always had very positive reviews regarding her hand-fucking skills and she could not wrap her mind around the possibility that I might not like it. (The fact that I DO like it, and that I never, ever said I DON'T like it, was not helpful. Mera only heard one thing.) And if *I* didn't like it, how many other lovers hadn't liked it and just kept quiet??? She became retroactively paranoid.

The longer she went without fucking me, the less specific the issues became, though the identity crisis only got worse. It didn't help that she let me fuck her several times. She felt she'd lost her own mojo, and being topped by me (as much as she totally loves it) didn't help. I tried to reiterate that I never said I didn't like hand-fucking, that she was a totally hot top, an incredibly awesome lover, etc, etc. I tried to build her top ego back up, but nothing seemed to help.

I don't know what finally did it. My so-called "coup" never even happened. I'd made an elaborate plan for Sunday night, but I gave up on it before I set it in motion because I was tired. Regardless, it all just happened naturally. I think we were both ready and enough time had passed that Mera probably forgot what the original issue even was. I don't know. I just know I'm really glad she was able to fuck me Sunday night and now she's back to feeling confident.

All that said, there have been other times when I said things a lot more cranky than this. The similarity between those times and this time is that they were all thoughtless reactions to a situation that I made without thinking much about how Mera would feel hearing them. My challenge is to stop myself from *reacting* -- to pause first before blurting something out (even in the heat of the moment) and imagine how I would feel if I were on the receiving end of it. I've had to do this in my regular life out of the sack, now it's time to do it here too. I've had a bad habit of mouthing off, which can be funny sometimes, but it can also be pretty hurtful and alienating. And believe me, the last thing I want to do is alienate my favorite person on the planet.

Monday, April 28, 2008

update on last night's coup

Mission accomplished. Thank god. I didn't even have to work my full scam, it just happened naturally and Mera reports feeling "re-empowered." I feel happy, relieved and... well... pleasantly sore, if you know what I mean...

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Looks like I made my "weenie" confession just in time for the spring rut. Next confession: every spring, as soon as the weather starts to warm up a little and the breeze feels so nice on the newly exposed skin, I get super sex-hungry. (I desperately hate the word "horny" and refuse to use it seriously in a sentence.) More than just regular sex-hungry, I start craving the penis. The PENIS for christsake!! I can't get away from it.

I blame it on evolutionary biology. I believe the spring rut occurs because my animal programming is trying to make me reproduce, even against my better judgment. Fortunately, my better judgment always, ALWAYS wins... though I've had a few close calls. I have been known to troll the craigslist "casual encounter M4W" ads during the spring rut and to actually... actually... write emails to dudes who catch my eye...

Because there is voyeuristic pleasure to be had on this site, I will give you some examples of my craigslist tomfoolery and then move on: I have written three dudes from craigslist. I went on a date with one... and briefly made out with him. I think he was wearing some type of man-girdle and he had a cock the size and shape of a can of campbell's soup so... I said no thanks. Another guy I went on a walk with, then he emailed me later and said he felt really gross about meeting someone just for sex, apologized, and then took all his craigspostings down. Uh... was it something I said? And the last guy I never bothered to meet. The spring rut passed before I had the opportunity to make some huge mistake with him. Thank god. And believe me, when the spring rut passes and I've managed NOT to fuck or fondle a guy, I am always greatly relieved and thankful.

So, the spring rut has started up again and I'm bravely weathering the storm, but I'll tell you it isn't always easy. Especially since my girlfriend is in the middle of a top-identity crisis and hasn't fucked me with a strap-on in a month and a half. Yikes. I guess I could write a whole lot more on that topic, but I'll skip it for now and just say: if you have a top-identified partner with a fragile sexual ego, be very, very careful how you talk to her about sex. And don't do anything that could be considered critical. Steer the experience gently and use lots of positive reinforcement. Basically, treat her like a four-year-old trying out ballet or piano or soccer for the first time: lots and lots of praise with very gentle directives. Otherwise, she might freeze up like a terrified snail and refuse to come out of her shell for weeks. (Am I really that scary? I should really look at that...)

I'm planning to stage a minor coup tonight to pull her out of her shell a little. I'll let you know if it works, and I hope it does because the guy at the optometrist's office was flirting with me today and if he's there tomorrow when I go back to pick up my new glasses, I might accidentally slip and fall into that goddamn spring rut...

Monday, April 21, 2008


I was just reading over my last post and the comments that accompanied it and I realized I was somewhat remiss. I wrote about my interest in guy-on-guy porn, but I forgot to mention the fact that I've completely fetishized the penis. Forgive me if I've written about this already, I tend to forget what ground I've already covered. But it seems incomplete to talk about guy-on-guy porn without mentioning that I've got a thing for the weenie.

I should admit also that I've never had vaginal intercourse with a penis. (Some voice inside my head can't stop itself from saying "THANK GOD!") Yet, I've had a "handful" of interactions with them in my day... so to speak. And... perhaps... a mouthful once or twice? (Did you just throw up a little? Sorry.) But really, besides those (literally) five interactions in my entire life with weenies, I've had no other contact and my imagination has been left to go crazy.

For me, the penis is the ultimate sexual totem. The erect penis practically throbs with desire and stimulates something in me that I can't completely explain or even comprehend. As you may know, the penis and the vulva grow out of the same bits of fetal materials, they're not so different. When I see an erect penis I feel the potential of being penetrated and I also feel my own "erection" mirrored. The erect penis is a larger than life version of my own engorged clit. It can fuck me, but it can also represent my own sexual desire.

My masturbation fantasies are almost exclusively about men. There's another confession for you. I don't think it's just the power of the penis that drives those fantasies, I think it's possible for me to get off on men because I get to project all my own ideas onto them. I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 17 years old, and none of my two and half boyfriends were particularly serious anyway. I've had no *real* connections with men at all, so fantasizing about men is like fantasizing about some tropical island somewhere. In my fantasy it can be whatever dreamy thing I want it to be without any of the gritty sand, rotting fish, poisonous spiders, rabid monkeys or whatever other unpleasant junk might wind up on a tropical island. For me, men are blank slates, uncomplicated by emotional entanglements or any kind of reality, for that matter. I guess, now that I think about it, I objectify them when I use them in my masturbatory fantasies. Huh. I guess that's ironic.

Anyway, I don't guess I'm going anywhere with this, just trying to get back in the swing of thinking and writing about sex after a little lag. My sex life lagged and my writing life lagged, mostly because I started my new job, changed my schedule, and haven't completely adjusted to it all yet. After a month of the new job and new schedule, I'm starting to settle into a new rhythm and things are feeling normal again. A new version of normal, but normal all the same. Fortunately, and surprisingly, through all the changes, my emotional bond with Mera never faltered. We stayed just as attached as ever, which feels like a small miracle to me. I am so thankful for this relationship, more thankful every day, and know that it will only keep getting better.

But I digress. What about you? What do *you* fantasize about? Sorry Heather, no poll this time either. Not sure how to make a poll about this one, though I promise another poll soon. They're so entertaining for me. But so are your awesome comments, so keep them coming. You guys rock.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


I don't know about you, but I like porn. It's hard to say "I like porn" without adding a lot of qualifiers. Like, I like porn but usually just guy-on-guy porn because women in porn tend to look so exploited. Or, I like porn but only occasionally. Or, I like porn but for some reason I don't always feel so good about it.

It's complicated. Some people are appalled by it, and I can think of plenty of appalling things about the porn industry. However, at it's very core, porn is nothing more than depictions of sex or sexuality engineered to turn you on. What's not to like about that?

For me, I like the naked bodies, the titilation of the voyeurism, the "intimacy" with strangers, and the sex. I gravitate towards porn with a kinky story-line or amatuer stuff made by real people. I'm interested not just in the facade of the porn, I'm interested in the actual people behind it all. What are they thinking? Are they really enjoying it or is it just a job that pays the bills?

When I was living in Columbus, I dated a woman who did phone sex. She was a radical, anarchist, punk-rock brat and a bunch of her other lesbian anarchist friends got together and started a phone sex line with the support of a slightly wealthy, eccentric lesbian who liquidated a bunch of investments so that she could put her money into "woman owned businesses." These women wanted to "put the power and money of porn back in the hands of women." They wanted to exploit the men for a change, and they joked about all their pathetic customers, spending hundreds of dollars just to jack off to the sound of a stranger's voice on the phone.

They all talked a big talk, but really they all hated it. They were all depressed and miserable and none of them wanted to admit that they felt just as degraded and exploited as their pimped out counterparts probably felt. And I have to admit, I didn't enjoy it myself at all. The woman I was dating was basically on call 24 hours a day and almost all our dates were interrupted by lengthy monotonous calls. I was amazed that a man could stay on the phone for over an hour jacking off and I was constantly amazed that the outcome of my date in Ohio was dependant on the orgasm of some wanker in Minnesota or Illinois. "Cum already!!! I wanna eat dinner!" It was surreal.

So I don't fool myself, I know that porn entails exploitation. However, I still indulge occasionally. I'm a cheapskate though and tend to stick to the free internet sites. I also usually stick to the men-on-men porn. I haven't found enough real lesbian porn to even bother with, though I hear it exists. Mera and I talk about creating our own lesbian porn empire, but we've yet to take action. One of these days...

What about you? Porn? Erotica? Smut? Anything? Any deep intellectual thoughts on the subject? Any lowbrow, gutter-type comments? I want to know what other lesbians think about porn.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

no excuses

Wow. Sorry for my long absence. I hate the thought of losing my tiny but growing fan-base, and long absences sure don't keep people coming back. But I've just been so *tired* lately. I'm almost at the end of my third week on the new job and I'm still not used to the schedule. I worked 4pm to midnight for sooooo long and now I'm working a morning shift. Boy that's a rough switch to make! I'm excited to be off in the evenings, but I'm so tired! And waking up early five days a week mostly sucks. Yeah, I know, it's a life that plenty of folks have been living for a long time, but it's new and weird for me.

Before this change, Mera and I didn't have nearly enough time together. Our schedules were tricky and we only had two evenings a week together. This was obviously an intolerable arrangement, and our solution was to stay up until 3am every night after my midnight shift ended just so we could hang out, catch up, chat and have sex. Which sucked. So we fantasized about how awesome it would be if my schedule changed. We looked forward to a whopping four evenings a week, to cooking meals for each other, and to having lots more sex.

Well... we've definitely been making meals for each other (tonight I'm making perogies and steamed broccoli, yum). But the sex... not so much. I had dreams of hopping in the sack with Mera around 8pm every night for some super-hot lovin', but if I was to have hopped in the sack at 8pm these past three weeks, I would have fallen into a deep sleep immediately. I'm so disappointed in myself! Will I ever get my energy back?!? I hope so.

My kayaking friend told me recently that it can take your body up to six months to acclimate to a new schedule. I can't believe it could possibly take that long, but what do I know? Mera and I will have to just work around my exhaustion, because we can't go six months without having sex. That's no good. And as it stands, it's been almost a month since Mera has fucked me. And that's a long time considering that our relationship is barely four months old. We've gotta start having sex again soon or things might get weird. Ya know what I mean?