Tuesday, April 29, 2008

that question which is begged...

Koen asked a very good question in a comment to my post "uh-oh" -- just what exactly did I say to Mera to push her so very far away?

It wasn't much really. And this time it wasn't even that bad. It happened one night while we were making out at her house. She'd just given it to me nice and hard with the cock the night before at my house and I was looking forward to getting it again. At some point in the midst of the make-out (which had by then escalated to hand-fucking), I asked if she'd brought the cock from my house. When she said "no," I was disappointed.

According to Mera, I was more than just disappointed. She says I was practically devastated. I don't know if I completely agree. She perceived me to have completely lost interest in the fucking that was already occurring and to be singularly fixated on getting fucked with the cock.

Many questions then ensued. Mera tends toward paranoia, and sometimes jumps straight to the worst possible scenerio. The worst possible scenerio in this case was that I was only interested in the cock and not at all interested in Mera fucking me with her hand. Mera asked me many, many questions along these lines and eventually I shared that while I did enjoy being fucked by her hand, I preferred the cock because the cock was more reliable and I was able to relax more. The hand is kind of pokey -- any hand, all hands are pokey -- sometimes fingers come out a little and go back in at a weird angle, sometimes fingernails make themselves known. Cocks are long and smooth and very predictable. Given that I've never been 100% keen on penetration and given that I'm actually kinda sensitive "down there" it all makes perfect sense to me.

Well, to Mera it sounded pretty bad. As I've mentioned before, Mera's got a reputation for being really good in the sack. In fact, it's a major part of her identity (for better or worse) and any feedback about her performance that sounds in the least critical is very hard for her to digest. Like I said, she's sensitive. She felt she'd always had very positive reviews regarding her hand-fucking skills and she could not wrap her mind around the possibility that I might not like it. (The fact that I DO like it, and that I never, ever said I DON'T like it, was not helpful. Mera only heard one thing.) And if *I* didn't like it, how many other lovers hadn't liked it and just kept quiet??? She became retroactively paranoid.

The longer she went without fucking me, the less specific the issues became, though the identity crisis only got worse. It didn't help that she let me fuck her several times. She felt she'd lost her own mojo, and being topped by me (as much as she totally loves it) didn't help. I tried to reiterate that I never said I didn't like hand-fucking, that she was a totally hot top, an incredibly awesome lover, etc, etc. I tried to build her top ego back up, but nothing seemed to help.

I don't know what finally did it. My so-called "coup" never even happened. I'd made an elaborate plan for Sunday night, but I gave up on it before I set it in motion because I was tired. Regardless, it all just happened naturally. I think we were both ready and enough time had passed that Mera probably forgot what the original issue even was. I don't know. I just know I'm really glad she was able to fuck me Sunday night and now she's back to feeling confident.

All that said, there have been other times when I said things a lot more cranky than this. The similarity between those times and this time is that they were all thoughtless reactions to a situation that I made without thinking much about how Mera would feel hearing them. My challenge is to stop myself from *reacting* -- to pause first before blurting something out (even in the heat of the moment) and imagine how I would feel if I were on the receiving end of it. I've had to do this in my regular life out of the sack, now it's time to do it here too. I've had a bad habit of mouthing off, which can be funny sometimes, but it can also be pretty hurtful and alienating. And believe me, the last thing I want to do is alienate my favorite person on the planet.


heather said...

sexual feedback is *always* tricky, especially with a sensitive partner. i would imagine, though, that almost everyone on the planet feels especially sensitive about receiving feedback in the middle of sexual congress.

it IS possible to do it, i'm sure, but frankly, i try to keep it to a minimum, at least *during*. talk about it afterwards, ok fine, but too much talk in the middle kills the moment. switch tactics if need be, but in the heat of things, keep it to directional feedback (go here, try this). at least that's what works in my neck of the woods.

maybe you could also use this as an excuse to get a backup cock. more cock for everyone!

reasonably prudent poet said...

heather, we've got plenty of cocks. the real problem was the harnass. right now we've only got one good one and one shitty one and both ended up left at my house. no worries though, as of june first we'll be living in the same space so this will no longer be a problem. yay cohabitation!!!