uh-oh...

Looks like I made my "weenie" confession just in time for the spring rut. Next confession: every spring, as soon as the weather starts to warm up a little and the breeze feels so nice on the newly exposed skin, I get super sex-hungry. (I desperately hate the word "horny" and refuse to use it seriously in a sentence.) More than just regular sex-hungry, I start craving the penis. The PENIS for christsake!! I can't get away from it.

I blame it on evolutionary biology. I believe the spring rut occurs because my animal programming is trying to make me reproduce, even against my better judgment. Fortunately, my better judgment always, ALWAYS wins... though I've had a few close calls. I have been known to troll the craigslist "casual encounter M4W" ads during the spring rut and to actually... actually... write emails to dudes who catch my eye...

Because there is voyeuristic pleasure to be had on this site, I will give you some examples of my craigslist tomfoolery and then move on: I have written three dudes from craigslist. I went on a date with one... and briefly made out with him. I think he was wearing some type of man-girdle and he had a cock the size and shape of a can of campbell's soup so... I said no thanks. Another guy I went on a walk with, then he emailed me later and said he felt really gross about meeting someone just for sex, apologized, and then took all his craigspostings down. Uh... was it something I said? And the last guy I never bothered to meet. The spring rut passed before I had the opportunity to make some huge mistake with him. Thank god. And believe me, when the spring rut passes and I've managed NOT to fuck or fondle a guy, I am always greatly relieved and thankful.

So, the spring rut has started up again and I'm bravely weathering the storm, but I'll tell you it isn't always easy. Especially since my girlfriend is in the middle of a top-identity crisis and hasn't fucked me with a strap-on in a month and a half. Yikes. I guess I could write a whole lot more on that topic, but I'll skip it for now and just say: if you have a top-identified partner with a fragile sexual ego, be very, very careful how you talk to her about sex. And don't do anything that could be considered critical. Steer the experience gently and use lots of positive reinforcement. Basically, treat her like a four-year-old trying out ballet or piano or soccer for the first time: lots and lots of praise with very gentle directives. Otherwise, she might freeze up like a terrified snail and refuse to come out of her shell for weeks. (Am I really that scary? I should really look at that...)

I'm planning to stage a minor coup tonight to pull her out of her shell a little. I'll let you know if it works, and I hope it does because the guy at the optometrist's office was flirting with me today and if he's there tomorrow when I go back to pick up my new glasses, I might accidentally slip and fall into that goddamn spring rut...