Monday, April 21, 2008

confessions...

I was just reading over my last post and the comments that accompanied it and I realized I was somewhat remiss. I wrote about my interest in guy-on-guy porn, but I forgot to mention the fact that I've completely fetishized the penis. Forgive me if I've written about this already, I tend to forget what ground I've already covered. But it seems incomplete to talk about guy-on-guy porn without mentioning that I've got a thing for the weenie.

I should admit also that I've never had vaginal intercourse with a penis. (Some voice inside my head can't stop itself from saying "THANK GOD!") Yet, I've had a "handful" of interactions with them in my day... so to speak. And... perhaps... a mouthful once or twice? (Did you just throw up a little? Sorry.) But really, besides those (literally) five interactions in my entire life with weenies, I've had no other contact and my imagination has been left to go crazy.

For me, the penis is the ultimate sexual totem. The erect penis practically throbs with desire and stimulates something in me that I can't completely explain or even comprehend. As you may know, the penis and the vulva grow out of the same bits of fetal materials, they're not so different. When I see an erect penis I feel the potential of being penetrated and I also feel my own "erection" mirrored. The erect penis is a larger than life version of my own engorged clit. It can fuck me, but it can also represent my own sexual desire.

My masturbation fantasies are almost exclusively about men. There's another confession for you. I don't think it's just the power of the penis that drives those fantasies, I think it's possible for me to get off on men because I get to project all my own ideas onto them. I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 17 years old, and none of my two and half boyfriends were particularly serious anyway. I've had no *real* connections with men at all, so fantasizing about men is like fantasizing about some tropical island somewhere. In my fantasy it can be whatever dreamy thing I want it to be without any of the gritty sand, rotting fish, poisonous spiders, rabid monkeys or whatever other unpleasant junk might wind up on a tropical island. For me, men are blank slates, uncomplicated by emotional entanglements or any kind of reality, for that matter. I guess, now that I think about it, I objectify them when I use them in my masturbatory fantasies. Huh. I guess that's ironic.

Anyway, I don't guess I'm going anywhere with this, just trying to get back in the swing of thinking and writing about sex after a little lag. My sex life lagged and my writing life lagged, mostly because I started my new job, changed my schedule, and haven't completely adjusted to it all yet. After a month of the new job and new schedule, I'm starting to settle into a new rhythm and things are feeling normal again. A new version of normal, but normal all the same. Fortunately, and surprisingly, through all the changes, my emotional bond with Mera never faltered. We stayed just as attached as ever, which feels like a small miracle to me. I am so thankful for this relationship, more thankful every day, and know that it will only keep getting better.

But I digress. What about you? What do *you* fantasize about? Sorry Heather, no poll this time either. Not sure how to make a poll about this one, though I promise another poll soon. They're so entertaining for me. But so are your awesome comments, so keep them coming. You guys rock.

7 comments:

Tina-cious.com said...

I masturbate to straight porn. There's something about the motion of a guy f#cking the sh!t out of a girl that totally floats my boat.

Go figure.

heather said...

i know this is going to sound weird, but honestly, i don't fantasize that often. never have. at least not at random. in fact, probably the only time i fantasize per se is when i'm looking at porn, which is even less often. although i guess i should say, i do *daydream*, and possibly about something romantic, but hardly ever about sex.

but anyway, about ze dick. i totally get what you're saying, and during those random times i happen to look at porn...i probably feel the same as you. you did an exxxxcellent job describing all that.

i think what's funny is when it comes to actually having sex, i have no interest guys or in using a dildo. oh sure, i've used them. but when it comes to getting frisky, i'm more of an opportunist, i guess, and hands and such seem to get first priority.

koen said...

When I fantasize, I'm the one with the dick. I always imagine straight sex. It pretty much makes sense, since I mostly identify as a straight dude who's also a lesbian and sometimes a gay dude. Being queer can be very complicated!

Grumpy Granny said...

Like Heather, I don't fantasize a whole lot...well, not sexually. I day dream a LOT and often at the same time I'm doing other things like working. Most of my day dreams involve some kind of travel more often than sex ;-)

Having been married twice, I have some experience with "the penis", but I like dildos a lot better than the real thing. Also, when I was younger, it seemed like I always had a higher sex drive then pretty much ALL of the men I was ever with. Especially my husbands. Go figure, eh? The last few years have been tough due to some "female problems" which affected my own feelings about myself a lot. But those seem to be tapering off, and the good old feelings are coming back. It's nice. It's also nice (wonderful, incredible) to have a partner who's willing to hang with you during the "down" times and play oh, so well during the great times. That, too, is something I never had with a man.

Oh, as for masturbation, my partner LOVES it when I do it for her, so I'm usually not fantasizing--I'm watching her watch me, which is HOT.

GG

Tina-cious.com said...

oo oo I second that! Watching masturbation is HOT!!!

Though she's a better woman than I being the one doing it. LOL

Zoe said...

I fantasize about both men and women, though the majority leans heavily on the side of fantisizing about women. When I fantasize about women they tend to be longer more specific and detailed fantasies. When I fantasize about men, they tend to be less specific, less detailed and are almost always rape fantasies.

reasonably prudent poet said...

tina-cious -- yeah, i'm with you about the motion, and i've definitely watched straight porn, but i can never completely let go of my concern for the woman. and frankly, when i do cross the line from being concerned to not caring at all, i scare myself a little... but that's a confession for a different post i think...

heather -- i used to feel the same way about the convenience factor. in the past, whenever i tried to incorporate dildos into my day-to-day sex life, i found the clumsiness of having to get the thing out and put it on often got in the way of the natural sexual flow. mera, however, has so much sexual power, she holds my attention and interest no matter how much time she has to spend getting the cock out and putting it on. not to mention the whole sleeping-in-the-cock thing we came up with. just having it on "in case" works out pretty well. there's no immediate pressure to perform, but just knowing it's there makes us both very, very interested...

koen -- YES! exactly. you're exactly the kind of queer i love! i can think of nothing better than a nice, juicy gender-fuck.

gg -- yes, having a partner who is happy to weather the ups and downs... that's priceless. and i agree about the masturbation, that's totally hot. so far i'm the one putting on the show, but i'd love to watch mera if she'd ever do it for me. something tells me that's not included in her top-identity. oh well.

zoe -- damn. drop the "r" word in there and make it all sound so serious. this reminds me to mention my very strong feeling that 1.) you can't choose what turns you on, so it follows that 2.) any and all fantasies are a-ok no matter how fucked up they would be if they happened in real life. i'm serious: nothing should be off limits in fantasy-land. not that rape fantasies are all that outlandish, but they might still seem scary and fucked up to some women.

i should also mention that, even though i fantasize about men and penises, my fantasies aren't always about me getting fucked by men. often, my fantasies are just of generalized man-woman sex and my point-of-view tends to shift between the giver and the reciever. i'm sometimes never really sure what exactly about the fantasy is getting me off or which character i would prefer to be if it was happening in real life. and god, i would never, ever, ever want 99% of my fantasies to happen in real life anyway because they tend to be really fucked up, illegal and abusive. so... there you go.