Sunday, June 8, 2008

only so much you can say...

I never thought I'd be at a loss for something new to say about sex... As much as I like to think about, read about, and actually, occasionally HAVE sex... I don't have anything to say about it anymore. Why???

I blame the weather, number one. The weather is shitty. There was the hope of summer weather a few weeks ago, but it was quickly replaced by grey skies and clouds, the kind of weather you might expect in November, but you kinda hope will be over by June. This return to chilly grey has prematurely squelched my spring rut. Dammit all. As soon as it gets hot again, I expect my sap will start to flow again at least a tiny bit...

Then there's Mera's sexual dysfunction. I guess that's something to write about... She went from strong and confident in the beginning, to anxious and hesitant. Last night she fucked me with the cock... and she was actually slow and gentle. GENTLE!?!? No matter how much I said "harder, harder" and "don't hold back," she still kept it nice and easy. I asked her later why she'd been so easy and she said she did it for me. Wow. Don't be gentle for me. Please.

She's definitely in the midst of a major sexual identity crisis and I have no idea how to help her. The crisis exists on two fronts. One: the gender front. She's used to being the total top, the stone-cold-don't-touch-me-don't-remind-me-I'm-a-girl top. And then I came along and started fucking her right from the beginning... and she LIKES IT. And she finds that to be very confusing.

And then there's the performance front. She's used to believing she's the best lay on the planet. She's used to being treated like god's gift to hot sex. And I'm not saying that she's NOT the best lay on the planet, but she's aware that she doesn't make me come, and she's aware that there are things I like that she doesn't necessarily do... and that baffles her. And it makes her feel inadequate. I don't really know how to reassure her. Sex with her IS totally hot, but as much as I say it, it never sinks in.

Of course there's the "too busy" front -- ie: she's just too goddamn busy. She's in grad school, she works two jobs, she worries about all sorts of things and has insomnia, etc, etc, etc. She's super stressed out and I guess sex has kinda fallen off the planet in her mind. She keeps saying "I can't wait for my schedule to change, then we can actually fuck more." But I don't know if that will make a difference.

Don't get me wrong, things are great with Mera. I love her so much and I have never felt so compatible, so sure, so well-matched and happy. And that's all the more reason for me to write about the troubles, because people should know it's ok to have troubles, to talk about them and work on them. That's life. I know this isn't the first time I've written about these troubles, and it probably won't be the last. I just hope you guys aren't bored.

And what about you guys? How are things in YOUR relationships? Things going along ok? Hitting any snags? Those of you in Portland... how's the weather impacting you, if at all? Talk to me.


heather said...

health issues keep the friskyness to a whisper over here, but that's why we treasure the other things, be it holding, giggling, just carving out time to be together. i think that keeps things more well rounded and for happier campers, anyway.

as to the rain, well, i love rain. a lot. but, it would be nice to have some actual sun for a while, dry things out for things like mud-free hikes and all. said...

It's hot as hell in Connecticut. I know that much.

I know that Jess is sometimes disappointed that I'm not having sex aas much as we started out.. but I think the pace has reached an acceptable compromise.

I remember feeling that way in my last relationship but we rarely had sex and she was totally ok with that.

I wasn't.

Anonymous said...

You may have explained in an earlier post, but I can't remember - why is it that you don't climax with Mera? My gf gets quite annoyed when I don't come. This doesn't really affect her sex drive, but it causes underlying tension that adds complexity to our sex life. I'd say that usually these extra complications don't help with the already sensitive experience that is lesbian sex. Are you doing anything to attempt to add the "icing on the cake"?

You're right, the weather certainly doesn't help things. My gf and I have a well understood goal that must be met on a weekly basis or obvious negative side affects begin to appear in our relationship. Sometimes it's especially hard to meet that goal when I feel crappy, whether it's because I'm working way too much, not sleeping well, totally depressed (thanks, gray cloudy weather), or because I generally don't feel that great about myself. I know you've done a lot to boost Mera's ego, but maybe there's something to be done about how she feels underneath her ego that could help.

Good luck!

south carolina girl said...

maybe her being gentle is part of her figuring out her identity. maybe part of her wanted to be gentle. enjoy her being gentle maybe while she learns about herself.

Grumpy Granny said...

Interesting topic as always. When I was married, I hardly ever came with "usual" intercourse, but virually always with oral sex. Same thing that poet said--I need to have my clit stimulated a certain way and fingers and/or tongue do it way better than a cock. I also need to be lying on my back. I don't think I've ever had an orgasm any other way. Well, maybe a VERY few...

We also have some health/physical issues here, which often preclude the sheer ABILITY to "have sex", but yes, the holding, hugging, cuddling, touching and giggling are so very precious. Is that sex? Perhaps not, but it is certainly "intimate" time that I wouldn't do with anyone else.

I think the "LBD" thing is kind of a myth. ALL couples can have "bed death" if they fall into ruts, or let things get in the way of their intimate time or don't communicate about things they want or need. No one can read another's mind, so if you need your partner to touch you THERE and LIKE THAT, you have to TELL them. If they happen to do it by accident, give them lots of praise and encouragement to do it like that again!

Chronic pain (G) can interfere with sex. Continued, abnormal, heavy bleeding (me) can interfere with sex. But we can keep our intimacy level, and we realize that sometimes it just isn't a 2-way street, ie. I might really want her to "do" me and she gets a lot of pleasure out of it, but is not physically able to enjoy me doing it "back" to her. And vice-versa. It's about being able to accept pleasure as much as it is about giving it.

And orgasms, while certainly great, are not the be-all and end-all of sex. I would still have tons of sex with G even if I knew I would never have another orgasm with her.

Maybe lesbians get uptight around orgasms the way guys get uptight around their cock size??