Tuesday, June 10, 2008

not coming

First of all I'd like to say that I really hate the "cum" spelling of the word that means "to climax." It feels sleazy and weird to me for some reason and I try not to use it. However, sometimes I wonder if people *expect* this use of the word "come" to be spelled "cum." I'd love to know the etymology...

But I digress. Koen asked a very good question in a comment to my last post: why doesn't Mera make me come? I've probably touched on the issue before, but I probably haven't devoted much time and attention to it. Mera doesn't make me come because it's kinda hard to make me come. Simple.

First of all I should make clear that it's very easy for ME to make me come. I've been coming from masturbation since before I can even remember. Literally. And that may have been my downfall... all my jacking off may have programmed me to come only from very specific stimulation. I can rub my clit to orgasm easy as pie, but when someone ELSE starts poking around down there... well...

There have been plenty of lovely ladies out there who have mastered the fine art of making me come, but I have to say that the experience is often less thrilling than you might think. On reflection I have come to realize that when women learn how to make me come, the sex tends to evolve into something less like "sex" and more like my partner masturbating me. Does that make sense? Her hand or my hand, I'm still laying there being digitally manipulated to orgasm. It feels good, but it isn't always so passionate... meanwhile, my partner is nothing but focus and concentration, trying to follow all my subtle signals and walk that fine-line between getting me off and turning me off. It's no picnic.

With Mera, I trade the highly tailored digital manipulation for full-on, full-body, hot, passionate, penetrative, rough, sweaty, awesome sex. I feel like my long, slow dalliance with penetration has finally begun to blossom and from the first time Mera fucked me with a cock, my whole definition of sex has changed. Now I equate sex with the cock, all my fantasies involve Mera and the cock, I LIVE for the nights when Mera decides to sleep in the cock.

However, the cock doesn't make me come. I guess that's one of those weird dilemmas of life. I can certainly come when Mera's fucking me with the cock, but only if I touch my clit exactly like I'd do if I was jerking off alone. And I can't *always* come when she's fucking me, sometimes the rhythm of the whole encounter just isn't right, sometimes the pleasure is too much, kinda like when a sneeze builds so fast and strong that it blows past the threshold of actually becoming a sneeze and ends up lodged in your head like a stuck firecracker.

I guess the important thing is that I don't miss the orgasms. I have plenty when Mera's not around and I have quite a few when she is. I just feel bad for Mera who is starting to get a complex. She said last night "I just don't understand! We've been together six months! You should be ejaculating by now!" I guess that's the kind of track record she's had... and I hate to ruin her self-image, but I can't lie. And I can't exactly fake female ejaculation either...

Ultimately, she'll have to manage her own identity crisis. As for me, I'm excited about the possibilities. In my opinion, Mera and I have only just begun to explore our sexual landscape together -- there's so much left for us to do! There's so much unexplored territory! Who knows what will make me come in two years, maybe my body will learn to come from penetration, anal stimulation, a good hard stare.... Or maybe I'll still be the same old masturbator, but I'll still be having plenty of fun. Who knows. Maybe we'll start seeing a sex therapist! That could be interesting.

No matter what happens, I am crazy in love with Mera and happy to be on this journey with her and only her. Regardless of my previous infidelities and forays into polyamory, Mera has nothing to worry about. To steal from Walt Whitman, she contains multitudes. I don't have to look anywhere else to find everything. I've got it all right here. (Except the orgasms... but whatever)

6 comments:

Big Wiggy said...

de-lurking and confused..do you equate "squirting" for lack of a better term, as an orgasm? I had a partner who could make me squirt at the drop of a hat, and I can make myself do it as well. My partner of 9 years has accomplished it a few dozen times, but if I don't squirt, I still have an orgasm and the sense of relief and ecstasy...I just don't have the "official" ejaculation...does what I am saying make ANY sense?

reasonably prudent poet said...

welcome into the light, big wiggy!

sorry for the confusion. no, i definitely don't equate orgasms with squirting. that was just mera's overstatement of her case. not only does she expect to be giving me a thousand orgasms a day, she also expects me to have started squirting by now...

Big Wiggy said...

thanks for the welcome...this was a pretty big issue in the beginning of our relationship. she would always say..why can't you come, am I not doing it right...etc, etc..I am sure you have heard it as well. It became a mental block and gave me severe "performance anxiety"...not such a big deal anymore..but then again after 9 years...hang in there

south carolina girl said...

i know what you mean, like sometimes with partner sex if you are trying to come then you are too focused on what you are doing and not so much on the fact that you are in communion with another person. and i know how hard it is to try to explain to another woman "I'm not concerned about getting off, i just want to feel YOU," hard to make her listen and understand that she is doing everything right.

i wouldn't worry if i were you that learning to pleasure yourself spoiled you or anything, it is the people that don't do that and don't learn about themselves that don't know how to have pleasure. i think you helped yourself enjoy sex more if anything.

reasonably prudent poet said...

big wiggy -- oh god, the performance anxiety. yes. that sucks. fortunately i don't have it with mera b/c she's generally not trying to make me come. i've definitely had it in the past. the worst is the worry that the other person is growing to resent you as they spend SO MUCH TIME pumping your clit. it sucks. maybe i'll write a whole post about it, actually...

scg -- i think being comfortable with my body was one result of lots of masturbation, which has definitely helped me to have more fun with sex. but i'm not convinced that early childhood masturbation didn't contribute to my "learning" to come from only one kind of stimulation and, therefore, getting stuck in a rut. it's like i've read in sex advice columns for guys, they're encouraged to vary their masturbatory techniques so they won't get too attached to a particular speed, style, etc. if it applies to them, why shouldn't it apply to me?

Big Wiggy said...

performance anxiety is not a problem anymore...but like I said after 9 years, we have learned to work around the issue...she has been understanding, and I have been gentle in explaining that everything is ok and nothing is being done "wrong"...and thank god we haven't experienced LBD yet :)