Saturday, June 28, 2008

i'll tell ya what i want, what i really really want

First let me apologize for putting that song in your head for the rest of the day. I feel your pain... even though I caused it.

Let me ask you a question, fellow lady-homos, do you believe that your partner is there to give you what you want? Everything you want? Some of the things you want?

Here's an example from my own life. I love to be tickled. Lightly tickled, all over, any part of my body, for hours on end. I like a lot of things, but I like this most of all, more than anything else in the whole world. ANYTHING. And I have always, from my very first relationship, believed that being petted and stroked in this way would be one of the many services performed by a girlfriend.

I have almost always been wrong.

Before I even HAD a girlfriend, my first FANTASIES about girlfriends involved being tended in this way. In high school I had really long hair and I used to sit in front of this girl named Betsy in one of my classes. Every single day, my hair would lay across the front of her desk and she would play with it. She'd start out slow, just barely grazing the ends with her fingers, but I'd feel it like little electrical bolts down my spine. Then she'd start to rake her fingers through it, moving higher and higher until she was practically massaging my scalp.

It felt obscene.

I sat on the front row, right in front of the teacher, and there I was, having the most sensual experience of my life. Every day. Five days a week. On display for an entire class.

And she spoiled me!!! She spoiled me to that kind of decadent, luxurious touching! I would sit there in class with her fingers in my hair, and imagine myself in college, in a dorm with a hot roommate, who might start playing with my hair one night as we watched TV together... it would start out so innocent, but then I would turn around, take her by the shoulders and stare deeply into her eyes... then...

Yeah, well...

My fantasies never quite became realities. I have had wonderful girlfriends who have consented to tickling me on a semi-regular basis. My crazy drunk ex, CB, for example -- she spent the first two months of our relationship tickling me for hours as we lay in bed talking and trying to fall asleep. But pretty soon the novelty wore off and I practically had to bribe her to do it.

Mera does a decent job, but it's not her forte. If I hint that I want more, she gets hurt and says "Are you saying I don't touch you enough!?! I touch you so much!" Now I rely on our occasional bets to guarantee myself a solid 30-minute back-tickle. We bet on all sorts of minor disagreements and the stakes are always 30-minutes of some kind of physical attention. I get back-tickles and she gets foot rubs.

She LOVES foot rubs, so then I ask myself if I give her enough of those. Maybe she feels deprived? Maybe she's got a hidden need and I'm oblivious to it? When I start feeling all hopeless and deprived of back-tickles, I try to remember her foot rubs and ask myself if I'm giving as much as I'm expecting. That helps a little.

But back to the main question: is it her job to tickle my back as much as I want? Is it my job to rub her feet? Is it pathetic and self-indulgent to wallow in self-pity when I think I'll never be tickled enough? There probably aren't enough tickles in the world to satisfy me anyway...

So here's a poll. Knock yourselves out.

4 comments: said...

I definitely think there are a few things that are non-negotiable - but really most are just "it'd be nice if...." items.

Some things are just hard to keep up for long periods of time (ie massages)... I'd TRY not to feel slighted... but I know how it is to not get what you need.

Grumpy Granny said...

That's an interesting question. I love having my head rubbed. I have really REALLY short hair, so playing with that isn't much, but I just love having my head and scalp rubbed and massaged. G doesn't do that a lot, but we do give a lot of mutual foot/back/shoulder rubs, etc. because we both have some chronic aches and pains, and we know enough about actual massage to help those for each other. I do go to a foot reflexologist regularly for foot "treatments" and I have to say, G just isn't up to that level, even tho I love for her to rub my feet. Because of the physical problems we sometimes have that can preclude actual "sex", we tend to touch a lot and be affectionate, so I don't think either of us is lacking in that area. If there's something one or the other of us wants, we ask for it and almost always get it. But, no one is a mind reader, so if you want something in particularly, ya gotta ask for it. We neither of us expect the other one to just KNOW, even though sometimes that would be nice!

Tickling, eh? I suffer, and I mean SUFFER, from sporadic eczema. The itching drives me crazy and light touch like that can set if off, so even reading about your back tickling made me start to itch!!



south carolina girl said...

wow, you were lucky to have that friend in hs.i had girls play with my hair infrequently but nothing like that.

i want to be the good girlfriend and do whatever she wants but i'm not going to demand anything from her. as long as she loves me, that is all i want. helps if she tells me exactly what to do though, so i know. feels bad to be helplessly shooting in the dark.

Jen said...

I wish there was a glory hole for foot rubs.

We have a massuese. We both love massage and don't want to end up angling to try to get the other to give it up. Its a well-timed selfless act in our house, not an expectation.