One of the things I've thought a lot about while writing this blog is the potential feeling of imbalance that might come from writing all these wonderful things about my relationship and my awesome, blossoming sex-life. I've been conscious that a time would come when I would need to provide some balance, so I decided to sit back and wait for things to take an inevitable turn for the pooper, and here we are.
Maybe it's just my imagination, but it seems like most people put up a big, happy face when talking about their relationship and you never really see the yucky stuff that's underneath. Like it's taboo to admit that you're having problems or arguing or whatever. I read blogs by people with girlfriends and I rarely read stories about fights or issues or dramas. I believe sharing is good almost all the time, and that goes double for sharing about relationships. We could ALL do better in our relationships, and knowing what other people are doing can be really helpful.
Anyway, all this is a big lead up to telling you that me and Mera had a rough weekend. I'll spare you all the details, but the bottom line is that we've hit that point when the honeymoon is over and we have to get back to living our actual lives. When we first got together (three short months ago) we were both blown away by our super-intense connection. There were all these crazy synchronicities and similarities and we had so much chemistry: it was like we were each designed specifically for the other. Unreal.
That means we ended up spending as much time together as we possibly could. It meant that we sacrificed sleep to stay up talking and fucking almost every night of the week. It meant we sacrificed laundry and housekeeping and personal space and yoga and meditation and schoolwork and writing and hanging out with other friends. All we wanted to do was hang out with each other. And that's normal in the beginning of relationships. That's just what you do sometimes.
But it seems pretty obvious that a scenerio like that can't last. At some point you have to crawl out of your hole and start paying attention to the rest of the world. Mera's in grad school and her studies are suffering. And I'm suffering because I need a lot of alone time to maintain my mental health, and my alone time was one of the first things to go when Mera and I got together.
Now we're struggling with the reality that we have to shift some priorities and possibly do something really counterintuitive: scale back a little. It's painful. We both have lots of baggage from childhood that colors the way we see things. Sometimes when we talk, it's like we're standing in a fun house and all the images come back to us distorted. She hears things I don't believe I said and vice versa.
It helps to realize we're having communication difficulties. At least we can name it and know how it impacts us. But it's still a tricky place to be and we're both struggling with the next steps. Right now we're both taking the rest of the day to assimilate the last few conversations we've had. We'll see where we're at tonight. A few couple's sessions with a counselor will also help. And also remembering to be kind and take care of the whole process. Problems come up. That's ok. Problems are not the end of the world or the relationship, but it's no use ignoring them or pretending to the world like everything's rosy. The rest of the world has problems too and if you pretend you don't, you just confuse people.
So what's that got to do with sex? Well, if you're having problems, you might not be having sex. I know I'm not. Another day, in the not too distant future, I'll write another post in the when-things-aren't-hunky-dory vein all about good and bad ways to communicate with a lover about sex. For now, I'll leave you with this very simple poll about sex affected by conflict.